As you can see, I am holding all of the chips

Dear Megha,

I know that we made this arrangement wherein I would bring you the tasty veggie chips that you can only buy at H.E.B., that grocery store that only spreads its wings in Texas. Now that you're in Canada and I'm the one stuck in enjoying Texas, it seems only fair that I should bring some to you over Labo(u)r Day weekend when I visit. After all, I should play the role of the concerned male once in a while, as much as it pains me.

But then I had a change of heart. I realized that, yes, in fact, I am the one holding all of the chips now. Finally -- yes, finally! -- I can be the one to wear the pants in this relationship. Why, yes, victory seems all but assured. I am holding these chips ransom until you comply with all of my demands.

So, if you ever want to see these precious chips again, I suggest you do exactly as I say.

First, leave $2 million -- real money, not that play money you use up nort, hey -- discretely located in the provincial park near your flat. Alternatively, I will accept tasty Indian food as a substitute for this, but I will not help cut the vegetables or knead the dough for bread. OK, I will do both of those things but I will not carry all of the groceries from the store. Damn! OK. Fine. But I have all of the chips!

Second, you are no longer allowed to watch any of the Indiana Jones movies. OK, I'm the one that introduced you to the first three episodes as I felt they were culturally necessary for you (read: totally freaking awesome), but I do not condone your characterization of Harrison Ford as hot and/or manly. It may be accurate, but I only meant for you to take note of the chase sequences and whip tricks. Here is Harrison Ford's IMDb page. These movies are off limits. I'm totally serious. OK. Yes, we can go see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I'm fighting a losing battle here, I fear. Ack! No, we will not watch When Harry Met Sally. Yeah. No. Maybe a little. All of it. You win.

Third... why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? /kicks pebbles on ground. You're right. I am an idiot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Fourth, remember the Victoria's Secret clothes that you had shipped to me because it was cheaper for me to pack them to Canada instead of you shipping them there? Yeah. I'm keeping the catalog. For research. I like the articles. OK I'll throw it out with the recycling.

If you do not comply with my demands, I will torment you with a video of me eating all of the chips. Well. Maybe. Probably I'll preemptively apologize and bring the chips anyway. And we can go get me fitted for a collar while we're at it.

Sincerely yours,
The Man in This Relationship